TITLE: Fruit Salad
FANDOM & PAIRING: SG1: Sam/Janet
DISCLAIMERS: Not mine, no money, just some fluffy fun.....
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Thank you to replicarter22 for the inspirational challenge...
"You think Hammond's gonna kill us?"
"I'd vote for puree Jack..." observed Daniel, unable to resist an attempt at humour.
"I do believe Doctor Fraiser is going to be most annoyed with our continued desire to bring her fresh medical challenges...." intoned Teal'c as they stepped up to the wormhole.
"You mean stab us with needles and do the torch thing?"
"Amongst other things Sir...."
"Not the prostate thing....gees!"
"I wouldn't know, Sir..." and, shaking her newly crowned head (it brought a whole new meaning to the phrase 'strawberry blonde'), Major Samantha Carter adjusted her pips and stepped through the gate, hoping her lover could fix her.....
"You ok Sam?" asked Janet, concerned - so far she was only five minutes into a fairly routine physical and that was the third time her lover had reacted unusually loudly to what would normally be a gentle examination.
"I'm a soft fruit....I bruise easily...." pouted Sam, the expression normally bringing a smile to Janet's lips but this time, whilst the lips twitched, the amused sparkle just wasn't shining in the CMO's eyes.
"I'm sorry..." murmured Janet, looking down at Sam's knee in an attempt to conceal her expression.
"Hey..." As an attempt, it had failed, "...Jan? Look at me?" coaxed Sam gently, reaching out to cup her lover's chin, only to stop her hand when she remembered that they were currently in one of the isolated observation rooms, before redirecting it to a more platonic shoulder.
"You're a strawberry Sam..."
"And Colonel O'Neill's a gooseberry..." continued Sam, grinning conspiratorily before whispering, '...suits his mood at the moment too I bet..." which earned a small grin from Janet, before her fears and concerns arose once more,
"Your flesh has been morphed into a soft fruit! I don't know what to do..."
"Daniel suggested pureeing..." teased Sam, before pulling the diminutive doctor gently to her suddenly much more prominent and 'squishy' chest, deciding that, right now, fraternisation was perhaps the least of their worries....SG1 were fruit...which was a problem, a big problem.
"They're definitely our people Doctor?" Long ago General Hammond had learnt to suspend his disbelief, embracing all manner of weirdness as 'normal', but even for the SGC, this? One day he would laugh...but not today.
"Definitely Sir - their internal organs and bone structure has remained exactly as our baseline scans indicate. The only difference is their flesh, which has turned into...." Janet paused, not entirely sure she could articulate the words.
"Soft fruit?" suggested Hammond, glancing at his team.
"Doctor Fraiser informs me I am a kumquat," rumbled Teal'c seriously, despite his strange appearance. It was one thing to have to get used to the big Jaffa having hair, but citrus peel as hair? That was definitely a fashion statement the Rebel Jaffa would not be wishing to cultivate as a Tritonin side-effect....
"And I'm a gooseberry, your point?" snapped Jack, not liking the situation one bit.
"Kumquat's are members of the citrus genus, so he's not a soft fruit...actually, soft fruit is inaccurate as a description. Sam, Jack and I are actually all part of the order of 'Rosales' or the rose family, whereas Teal'c could more specifically be..." Just as Daniel was launching into full flow, Jack interrupted,
"Hey Blackberry, shut up..." before shaking his head as if to clear it and looking at Fraiser, "...you can fix this right..."
"No, you misunderstand me Doc...you, Carter, you can fix this right? Blackberry will translate stuff, Teal'c and I will carry stuff, but you can fix this right?"
"I don't know Sir..." As much as it pained her to say it, Janet couldn't answer any other way. There was no manual on the planet that covered what she was currently looking at...
"Then we go back...."
"No Jack, SG1 is on base until we have an explanation and a solution."
"Go eat some pie Jack..." suggested Daniel suddenly, knowing that was often the only outlet for Jack's frustrated nervous energy when he was waiting for Janet and Sam to do their 'geek thing' as he sometimes called it (well away from them, obviously).
"Are you having appetite problems Sir?" asked Janet, already reaching for penlight and themometer - since when did Jack O'Neill refuse pie?
"But you always eat pie Sir..." observed Sam, confused.
"Did you have the cheesecake Doc?" asked Jack, knowing about Janet's penchant for the sweet.
"No..." Janet trailed off as she felt all eyes on her, "...it was strawberry...it felt...odd...."
"I enjoyed the pie. I had not eaten gooseberry before today, but it is a very pleasant flavour...."
"Don't eat the pie....it's....it's..."
"Rude?" suggested Daniel, suddenly not liking the idea of anyone eating the blackberry jam...
"I'll speak to the Commissionary..." decided Hammond, glad finally to be able to do something....
Straightening up from the microscope, Janet looked around the lab to identify what had disturbed her concentration, only to spot her lover chuckling in the corner.
"What's so funny?" asked Janet, concerned a little for her lover's sanity but quite glad that perhaps some lightness was returning to what had become a rather tense Base.
"I was just thinking something..." admitted Sam, turning her back on the security camera and making a discrete gesture for Janet to come closer so that Sam could continue in a voice quiet enough so as not to be picked up by the microphones.
"Oh?" Obediently, Janet seemingly randomly drifted into whispering distance.
"Yeah....brings a whole new meaning to 'food sex'..." No sooner had Sam said the word sex than there was an almost Asgard-like flash and Sam was transformed back into her more conventional, and practical human form.
"I was hoping you'd tell me..."
"You think 'food sex' is the 'open sesame' for that planet's culture?"
"That or you touched something weird in here....you did touch something, right?" asked Janet, reaching for the ties on Sam's scrubs which, now she was no longer a strawberry, needed to be tightened significantly.
"No...wait!" Suddenly animated, Sam jumped to her feet and started rifling through photographs.
"We all were touching this wall, right before it happened...I was thinking..." Sam blushed what Janet now realised was a rather nice ripe strawberry colour.
"About strawberries?" suggested Janet diplomatically, having a fairly good idea what Sam was thinking about - they had had an excess of strawberries, and Cassie had been away at Camp...
"Yeah...and then when I remembered the same memory..."
"So the Colonel was thinking about Gooseberries?" asked Janet, really not sure whether Sam had found the solution. That particular idea was just too weird for words.
"Why would Teal'c be thinking about kumquats?" asked Sam, less concerned about her CO.
"Ah, that's probably my fault...." admitted Janet, suddenly remembering a rather surreal conversation she'd had with Cassie and Teal'c in which both aliens had developed a curiosity for words which, as Cassie put it, 'sounded cool'. 'Kumquat' had been Teal'c's favourite, despite not being able to grasp what it actually was (hence his surprise when Janet had informed him of his 'crop'), whilst Cassie had rather taken to 'thistle' although Janet couldn't fathom why.
"Do I want to know?" asked Sam, only slightly curious, being instead far more concerned with returning her team mates to their conventional forms.
"Probably not...so, we ring the General and tell him you were cured because your mind wandered and you thought about having sex?" summarised Janet, making to reach for the phone, only to be intercepted by a once more agile Sam.
"No, we, uh, paraphrase somewhat..." admitted Sam, blushing sheepishly as she tried to imagine explaining to her godfather exactly where her mind had wandered...
"Thank you Sir..." said Sam, collecting the bowl of fruit her now fruit-free C.O. was offering her.
"Seems they're fresh out of kumquats Teal'c..." Jack continued, seeing the tall Jaffa, now once again reassuringly bald, approach.
"Doctor Fraiser has promised to procure me some when she next visits the market..."
"Are you enjoying your pie Sir?" asked Sam, nibbling on a strawberry which she'd dipped in cream.
"Oh yeah..." confirmed Jack, refocussing his attention on beating his pie to a mushy pulp.
"What flavour pie Jack?" asked Daniel, joining them, seeing the destructive havoc his friend was wrecking on his desert.
"What do you think Space Monkey?" asked Jack sarcastically, shovelling a large spoonful in his mouth.
"Gooseberry?" guessed Daniel, noticing Sam eating strawberries.